Rhapsodies of the Barefooted Gypsy

Finding me


January 26, 2011

Dear Ali,

Today, I looked back at everything we’ve been through. All the mushy and cheesy lovers bits down to the petty fights and endless arguments. It seems that I found a new hobby–going back to memory lane. It’s what I’ve been doing for the last couple of weeks, and I can already hear a bunch of people screaming at my ear “get over it already.”

What makes today different though is that unlike the previous days when I kept looking back in search for answers, I sought for wisdom.

I’ve already blamed you a lot. I’ve already blamed myself a lot. I have squeezed out all effort to fixing what was left broken. I’ve already rationalized what happened to us and even tried to hate you so I can just move on already, so what else is there left to do?

It’s like all our memories have been scattered in an acre of field and I was searching for a single, tiny grain.

That single, tiny grain that I was looking for is me.

I lost myself in loving you and that was really bad. I needed to find me in all those pieces of memory.

What have I learned from you? What have I learned from us? What have you taught me in leaving me?

I have learned that I was capable of loving so much. I didn’t even know I have that much love to give or offer.

I have learned that I was selfish and childish, wanting all of you and your time to myself.

I’ve realized that when we started seeing each other, I gave up my independence in dependence to you. That was a straight betrayal to myself.

I realized that I didn’t know how to prioritize. It’s like all of a sudden, I have disappeared from all my closest girlfriends who I usually see three times a week at the least before I started going out with you. I did suck at time management because all I wanted was to be with you.

I realized that you taught me the wonderful feeling of being loved just as much as I love. Yes, it was short lived but you still made me feel that can’t-live-without feeling. Thank you for that.

I learned that I wasn’t ready. We both weren’t ready. All our silly and stupid fights? They’re called silly and stupid for a reason.

I learned there is no limit when it comes to loving. Now, I fully understand that when I am in love, it’s not a question of why but how. It’s not ‘why do you love me’ but ‘how can I love you more.’

When you left, I thought I was weak. I thought I wouldn’t live another day. I was crying as though someone died. And I guess I died a little bit when you left me. I realize I wasn’t just crying because the one person I love just decided to shut me out of his life. I was also crying for me.

I’m not sure how long it will take me to get over you. I am not rushing and I have no plan in skipping this painful process because doing so will just be another betrayal to myself.

You always say that everything takes time, and you are right. So, allow me to just get lost in our acre of memories. I will take my time and go on a comfortable pace until I find that tiny grain. Until I find me.