What satisfy you?

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January 27, 2012

Dear Ali,

I don’t know which is more bizarre-me, still writing to you, or the fact that after all that I’ve written and said, there are still some things left unwritten and unsaid.

I guess I am still used to how we were before. After all, you’ve been that person I spent so many hours talking to. I’m not sure if it is any comforting to you that I still feel I can write to you and tell you things.

I just got home from a night of salsa. My closest friends were there and it’s as if everyone’s asking the same thing–how am I.

I tell them I’m ok. But as though they’re not convinced with my answer, they would ask a second question: “are you sure?”

And then I would say the same thing:

“Really, I’m ok. It gets easier and better everyday.”

That is actually quite honest and true. It does get easier and better everyday.

Just after you left, I caved in. I thought that dealing with my broken heart by myself would be best for me. There are days when I don’t even leave my bed. I’m just lying down, thinking of you, staring on my wall and still be thinking of you.

My closest friends were asking about me, sending me messages and trying to drag me for lunch or dinner or shisha, and yet I refused to go.

I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know why I thought that mending my broken heart alone will make me much better. I guess part of the reason was out of embarrassment.

A few months ago, when I was dealing with my broken heart caused by Hisham, my friends saw me breakdown. They knew how hard it has been for me. You, of all people, know how difficult that time had been for me. I can’t afford them seeing the same thing happening again after just a span of a few months.

I thought I would talk to them when I am ready, but I realized there is no right time to be ready if not now.

In the end, I met with them and they all welcomed me with the warmest hugs. It was what I needed.

I needed to know that I wasn’t alone, that even when the person I loved shut me out of his life (in this case your life) my friends still have my back.

I needed to be surrounded by the people who loves me. And I did and it felt good.

I felt so much better about myself. I felt that the world is starting again. They are filling the gaps that you have left hollow. And slowly, I am starting to feel alive again.

I am not blaming you for this. Believe me, I’m really not.

I am realizing that it was partly my fault. It was my decision to depend all my happiness in you.

One of my dearest girlfriends told me that when you are in a relationship, it’s true that the two people involved become one, but they should be two halves that can stand alone.

That was my mistake, I wasn’t able to stand without you.

Slowly, I am learning that for me to be able to love someone better is for me to love myself more. I am in the process of loving myself more, I am in the process of knowing myself better–what do I want? What do I need? What makes me happy?

I used to say that you complete me, which again is another fallacy. How can someone love another when he knows she is not whole?

I need to be whole, I need to be complete, I need to be one person who doesn’t depend on someone or something to be complete or happy.

I don’t need someone to complete me, I need someone who will complement me.

So what makes me happy? At this very second, it is the strawberry cheesecake that is right in front of me and boy, it tastes so good!

Jennifer.

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