A chopsuey of love

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How many times have your heart been broken? Once? Twice? Seven times? You’ve lost count? I think that no matter how frequent your heart gets broken, there is no getting used to it. It is like the curse of the ever-changing seasons. Every year, we know that winter is coming. We know that summer comes and goes. We expect this to happen, yet we always complain how miserable winter is, or how dismal the heat of summer can be.

In my case, I was left heartbroken three times. Three different guys, three different stories, three different endings, yet the feeling they left me were all the same–depressing, painful, dark, empty (I can even think of about 84 saddest adjectives that will describe how it felt.)

In all my previous relationships, I have always treated it as if it is going to be the last. Which is probably the reason why everytime the guy I love leaves me, it feels as though I am never going to fall in love again.

It’s silly what love can make to even the smartest person in the world. It drives us nuts to a degree where we can’t think rationally. We turn into childish brats, we go a little bit mental. All of a sudden the best advice we give to our friends just doesn’t work for us. In short, we just stop acting like ourselves.

When my first boyfriend left me, I cried to the point when I couldn’t cry anymore, it felt as if it was the lowest I could go, and I swore that I will never love again. I told myself that he was the only one I want to be with, that I would rather be alone if I won’t be with him. I felt like a dead person, everything was flavorless. I lost my appetite for anything. I didn’t feel alive and I thought that I will never be able to feel alive again. It felt as though there was no way I would get over it. I was hopeless. My life was just downright miserable and ugly and it was just impossible to move on.

What a sad, sad girl I had been. Now, the fascinating part is that two relationships with two different guys which is equivalent to two heartaches after, it still felt the same. You would think that after your heart gets broken the first time, you will learn from it and will be able to handle it much better should it happen again. Unfortunately, it’s not the case.

I don’t know about you, but I know (and I’m sure that most of my best friends will agree) that whenever I fall in love with someone, it feels as if I am falling in love for the very first time, which is why it makes sense that whenever someone breaks up with me, it feels as though I am dealing with a broken heart for the very first time.

What a vicious, deadly cycle. Like I said, there is really no getting used to it.

However, I cannot deny the fact that with every failed relationship, I learn something about myself, and, in a way, that lesson (or maybe experience?) changes me to a whole new different person.

After three heartaches, I know now, that life continues on, and that things will only get better. I know now that no matter how deep I am into drowning, I will recover; that no matter how I decided to put my life on hold for the rest of my life, the clock will still tick; that no matter how much I cry, or shout to the world that I will never be happy again or that I will never be able to move on, at one point or another, I will just get my happy back and find myself taking a big step forward.

Most probably, I will fall in love and get my heart broken again. Hell, I’m sure when that happens it will feel as if pain, and anger, and hurt are all new to me, but at least now I know that the pain, the anger, the hurt, no matter how much it stings, won’t stay forever.

I find it silly that I used to agree that love is sweeter the second time around. Whenever my heart is freshly burnt, I always have these thoughts that one day my ex-boyfriend will come back to me and tell me that the biggest mistake in his life was letting me go, and when that happens, I will take him back in my arms immediately and we will have the perfect ending to a perfect love story.

I find it so interesting that no matter how certain we are at one point, and how decided we are of what we want, everything can just change for one reason or another. I know that should any of my past loves try to catch up with my present, it is never going to work. There is a reason why it didn’t work out in the first place. No matter how much I loved them, the fact that they left me broken is enough to know that I will never want to spend my life with anyone who walked away from me and left me in a black hole. They can come to me begging on their knees, they can even kiss my feet and cry their hearts out. They can tell me that they realized how madly in love they are to me, but it won’t change a single thing.

The fact is, after every break up, I move on. I change, the bars are raised much higher. They can say they are in love with me but that won’t be true. Who they are in love with is their idea of me when I was with them. What they don’t realize is that that person died the moment they left, and a new me is born.

I’m not really sure where I am going with this, but what I want to say is that after every break up–after all the losing yourself, and the break downs, and the second guessing, and all the self doubts, you just start seeing things clearly. You start feeling alive again that you smile without having to force yourself to. You start seeing life and its beautiful colors with a different eye.

You come out strong. You realize how foolish you were and that is why you know much better now. All of a sudden, you know that what you want is not someone who will leave you but someone who will stay. Someone who will appreciate you for everything that you are and will love you for your totality.

We want someone who won’t turn us to monster girlfriends (or hitler boyfriends.) Someone who will make us feel good about ourselves, someone who will hold our hands tightly even when we start complaining about the changing weather.

Everyone deserves an epic love story. After all, no matter how much we deny it, we are all suckers for romantic comedy movies. We might as well be with a leading actor (or actress) who is perfect for the role!

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