Who needs a time machine when you know you lived well?


Did you ever have that feeling back in primary school when you know you’ll be having a school trip to the zoo and time seems to be playing a brutal trick on you? You keep waiting for the next day to come. You close your eyes at eight in the evening wishing you’d be opening your eyes with the sun high up in the sky. You swear it felt like the longest time you’ve had your eyes closed, but guess what. You open your eyes and found only 10 minutes have passed, surprise!

That’s how it was for me when I was a kid. I couldn’t wait for the minutes or a few hours, or a couple of days to pass so I can go to my school trip, or at the circus, or at my cousins’ house already, and yet those minutes, or those few hours, and couple of days were the most agonizing because it felt like I was waiting for an entire eternity.

I couldn’t wait to grow up either. I remember when I was nine, I saw this 18 year old girl in school who looks so sophisticated, so responsible, and so put together. In my nine year old eyes, I told myself I want to be like her. I told myself that when I turn 18, I will be sophisticated, I will be responsible, I will be so put together. But it felt that the heavens must have frozen time because the days couldn’t go any slower. I would sleep the night before and wake up feeling disappointed that I was still my nine year old self.

Today is a different story though. I woke up convinced that time is playing April fool’s on me. No matter how I decided to stop aging after I celebrated my 23rd birthday a few years ago, there is no denying the fact that I will be turning 26. This year. In three months!

Someone tell me who pressed the super fast forward button!

Recently, I’m getting a lot of messages from old friends back in the university, from people I met randomly at the airport, even from strangers who read my blog. Most of them are people I met eight years ago, even more, and they are sending me messages telling me that I inspire them in a way or another. They all think that I am living it–that I have a zest for life and a great amount of passion to live.

Last night, I was having the same conversation with two of the first friends I met when I moved to Egypt, and we were recalling what we’ve gone through the last eight months that we haven’t gone out together.

The last time I saw Yehia, he was feeling so down and broken hearted and he was so convinced that he wouldn’t be able to move on from his broken relationship. No matter how Mo’taz and I tried to cheer him up and encourage him that things will get better, there was no changing his mind.

The last time I saw Mo’taz, he just shaved his head for a new look, or maybe out of depression from not being able to get back with his first love.

The last time they saw me, I was mending a barely breathing heart from my relationship with Hisham.

Yes, we were three broken hearted souls who got together one very sad night eight months ago. It’s funny how the reason that caused our misery a long time ago (or at least we thought it was misery at that time) is the same reason that made us laugh deliciously last night.

Eight months after, Yehia is now engaged and very happy! He’s become a totally different person. There is positivity radiating out of him. Mo’taz, on the other hand, has his hair grow back to a good length (thank heavens!) and his quick humor has just gotten sharper! As for me, I’m happy being single and actually loving it and meaning it this time around.

Funny how time really does make a difference in our lives. It changes us. It molds us to who we are today, yet it reminds us of who we were yesterday. Time is also a huge indicator of friendships we’ve made and trusts that we’ve earned. It heals whatever is left broken, yet it can also wither the finest building no matter how solid the foundation is.

I guess the reason behind my boldness and my hunger for living is also time. Once you realize you’re not getting any younger, you’ll start living as though the sand in the hourglass is running down the bottom. In my case, I really feel that the sand is going down fast, with my knees sinking deeper and deeper with every second.

Before the sand of time runs out, I want to be able to tell myself that I had a life that is ripe, and full–that I lived it well and did anything and everything that I want, that I lived on the safe side when required and crossed to the danger when I can, that I’ve gone on all out adventures without holding back, that I spent time, tons, with people I truly care about and who sincerely cares about me, that I’ve grown wiser and been able to share my knowledge, if not advice, to friends, that I inspired people without being aware of it, that I have touched and changed lives the way it will never be the same again, that I have kept friendships who made my time brighter, sweeter, even funnier!

I am still far from the sophisticated, responsible, so put together woman that I want to become, but I like to believe that I am getting there one grain of sand at a time.

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