I don’t know what your name is, but I am secretly hoping it’s Kyle. I always thought Kyle is a sexy name for a guy. If your name is Amadeus, then we’re off to a good start. That means you have cool parents, because seriously, who names their son Amadeus? Only cool, creative parents, right? And if your name is indeed Amadeus, please, allow me to call you A.
I have no idea what you look like. Are you even taller than I am? I’m too short to begin with so I am guessing that you are. But height doesn’t really matter, unless it matters to you. Do you have a crooked smile? How about a scar on your arms? You probably have deep, brown eyes. Am I asking too much questions? I’m sorry, I’m just really curious.
If your guess is as good as mine, I’m sure I have never met you before. I don’t even know if you actually exist. Perhaps you’re just a fragment of my imagination, which is why I refer to you as my hypothetical boyfriend.
But there is nothing more I want than to talk to you right now. I’m here at the bus station alone, waiting for my bus that won’t come until two in the morning, and the clock just hit midnight. Wouldn’t it be nice if you’re sitting next to me right now? We could be planning about things we can do on this three-day holiday by the red sea.
We could be teasing each other now–I will brag that I’m a better kite surfer than you are and you will desperately attempt to prove me wrong. We can play bets! Like whoever is the better kite surfer gets a kiss, and in a way, that is win-win situation for both of us.
Or we could be sitting next to each other right now–me with my Nick Hornby book, and you with your iPad–we won’t be talking, and that’s alright, silence isn’t awkward between us because we know we have tomorrow ahead of us.
However, you are not here to convince me that I won’t be having breakfast alone tomorrow. I don’t have you around to remind me to pack my tooth brush and yours. See, I just found out I left my tooth brush in my flat and that is all your fault.
I spend most of my days waiting. Waiting for my coffee, waiting for my turn in any line, waiting for the movies to start, and all the waiting wouldn’t have been that excruciating had you been telling me the most funny jokes. I hope you can beat my sense of humor!
A seven hour bus trip would have been delightful if you are here right now. We will be talking about which Asian restaurant we will try when we get there, we will agree to dance salsa tomorrow night even if no one else is dancing. Oh, boy, I am already looking forward to it! Or we can just close our eyes and sleep in comfort in our locked arms.
I need you to be here to keep me grounded, to remind me to stop when I am close to crossing the line. I know that if you are here, I will feel so much safer and braver. I know you’ll be beside me if things go wrong, and more so when things go right.
I need you to remind me when I am being snotty, when I am being bossy, or when I am acting like a child. I am sure that you will be honest with me because you only want me to be the best version of myself.
I am really bored without you. Where are you? What are you doing right now? It would be better if we meet now rather than never. You could be one of these guys in this waiting room. Maybe you’ll be on the same bus as I am. And if I’m lucky, I might even get to sit next to you.
Maybe I’ll find you in the same hotel that I’ll be staying at tomorrow. Or maybe you’ll see me walking around the beach. When you see me, please don’t be a stranger. Just let me know that you are my hypothetical boyfriend and we can both cut the crap and just make up for our lost time.
I’ll make you muffins! I’m a great cook! I hope you like eating because I do. Please have a big appetite! Tell me what your favorite dish is and even if it is something I’ve never cooked before, I’m sure google will give me a decent recipe.
Do you like watching movies? I’m guessing that if we are going to be together, that means that you do! I’ll watch a horror movie with you, only if you promise to watch a romantic comedy flick with me. We will play your favorite songs in the car, even if it’s punk rock or hard metal, but you will have to learn salsa and dance with me! I’m sure we will work it out, that’s what compromise is for, right?
There are so many things I don’t know about you and I just want to know everything right now! I want to be able to look at you and tell myself that finally, I know what it feels like! I want to make you laugh. I want to be able to make you trust me. I want to look straight in your eyes and thank you for being with me. I want to be in the company other than myself. I want to be in your company.
But no matter how much I would want for you to be here right now, I can’t just pull you out of a magic hat. I can’t order you from eBay, and I don’t have a genie to grant me three wishes. The only thing I can do is try to find you and I’ve been trying to look for you for a while now.
Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing wrong. Maybe you are also trying to find me and because we’re both looking in the wrong places, we keep missing each other. Maybe I should just stop looking for you. Maybe it’s time for me to stop making you muffins, planning for our future, and thinking of you, because you don’t exist–at least not yet.