January 23, 2012
Today is the first day since you left that I haven’t thought about you all day. Or at least that’s what I thought.
In the morning, I went to work, and during my break, I was playing with my neighbor’s German shepherd, he is a beautiful dog and his name is Jacko. Playing with him made me happy, it made me lose track of time. Then I went back to my flat and spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning up.
It was a hard task because I see you in every corner of my flat. I see your shirts on my bed, your flip flops on the floor, the unfinished bottle of baileys that we shared together when I got back from Sydney.
I was looking at everything that reminded me of you and was undecided whether or not to toss them out or keep it for the moment. I decided to do something in between if that’s what you call playing safe. I put everything that has your label and kept it in a box inside my cupboard.
Then I went for a nap and went to work afterwards.
That’s basically my game plan for everyday–keep myself busy, trick myself into doing a lot of things so that I won’t get stuck into thinking about you. Trust me, I was successful. Or at least I thought keeping myself busy will stop me from thinking of you.
And I thought I was able to escape our memories. Memories of you and I. But then night time falls, and there is no more work to do, no more Jacko to play with, nothing left to clean and I am forced to think of you.
Think of us.
I think we both have exhausted each other. When we were together, all we do is get ourselves awfully tired. We were crazy, traveling back and forth Helioples and Sheikh Zayed to be together, and if we’re not seeing each other, we talk on the phone for hours and hours until three in the morning even though we both have early work the next day.
And when we are not seeing each other, or not talking on the phone, we fight. More often, I start the fight. I fight and complain that you have time to go out with your friends instead of coming here to see me. I didn’t realize we both live in the opposite ends of Cairo.
I start arguing because I don’t trust you. I don’t trust your friends, and I was always afraid that you will do something stupid, or that when you’re not with me, you will just meet a girl who will take you from me.
I don’t trust myself either.
I don’t think I was good enough for you, which is why I have these thoughts that you will just run away with another woman.
I didn’t believe that you love me that much. And maybe because I thought this way, you also believed that I didn’t love you that much. You disappeared without any explanation. You didn’t even bother telling me what went wrong, and you left me feeling so lost and alone and empty.
I should be hating you right now, but I can’t.
Our pictures together, and your letters to me prove that what we had was real. That you loved me and I loved you.
I don’t know why things didn’t work out between us. Or maybe I am now realizing why our relationship didn’t work out, but I refuse to admit it because doing so will only make me feel that you didn’t try hard, and that I didn’t try hard.
Well, if writing you every single night without fail and without even knowing if you care about me is not trying too hard, I wouldn’t know what to call it anymore.
It seems on my free time (when I’ve already thought so much of you) I just sleep. I sleep a lot these days, too much sleep actually. And it felt quite awesome after all those nights we spent over the phone talking about nothing if we are not fighting.
I don’t miss our fights though. Remembering all our silly fights make me realize how we are just not ready for each other.
You weren’t ready, and so was I.
I hope one day we will meet again, and we can talk about everything like we used to. I hope one day, we can be more mature, and believe and trust in love.
I am hoping that one day we can be together again, and maybe in that time, things will be a little bit different.
Different in the sense that we feel secure about each other, about our love for each other. Knowing that because we love each other, no matter how far we are, no matter where we both are, nothing is going to change any of it.
It is so sad that we have outgrown each other when all I wanted is for us to grow together.
It makes me feel sad most times when I don’t have anything to do but blame myself for not trying too hard, but then again, I think I tried enough, I gave you all the love I have to give, I loved you in the best way I know how.
In fact, if you still haven’t realized it, I am still loving you, without guarantees, without you loving me in return.
Isn’t that crazy, loving you when you have completely shut me out of your life?
You know what keeps me going? The thought that one day, you will come back and we can start all over again and make things right this time.
I loved you, and I am still loving you in my way.
I hope you are doing well, and living the life you imagined, and that you are getting a lot of sleep the way I am.