Category Archives: Love

A chopsuey of love

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How many times have your heart been broken? Once? Twice? Seven times? You’ve lost count? I think that no matter how frequent your heart gets broken, there is no getting used to it. It is like the curse of the ever-changing seasons. Every year, we know that winter is coming. We know that summer comes and goes. We expect this to happen, yet we always complain how miserable winter is, or how dismal the heat of summer can be.

In my case, I was left heartbroken three times. Three different guys, three different stories, three different endings, yet the feeling they left me were all the same–depressing, painful, dark, empty (I can even think of about 84 saddest adjectives that will describe how it felt.)

In all my previous relationships, I have always treated it as if it is going to be the last. Which is probably the reason why everytime the guy I love leaves me, it feels as though I am never going to fall in love again.

It’s silly what love can make to even the smartest person in the world. It drives us nuts to a degree where we can’t think rationally. We turn into childish brats, we go a little bit mental. All of a sudden the best advice we give to our friends just doesn’t work for us. In short, we just stop acting like ourselves.

When my first boyfriend left me, I cried to the point when I couldn’t cry anymore, it felt as if it was the lowest I could go, and I swore that I will never love again. I told myself that he was the only one I want to be with, that I would rather be alone if I won’t be with him. I felt like a dead person, everything was flavorless. I lost my appetite for anything. I didn’t feel alive and I thought that I will never be able to feel alive again. It felt as though there was no way I would get over it. I was hopeless. My life was just downright miserable and ugly and it was just impossible to move on.

What a sad, sad girl I had been. Now, the fascinating part is that two relationships with two different guys which is equivalent to two heartaches after, it still felt the same. You would think that after your heart gets broken the first time, you will learn from it and will be able to handle it much better should it happen again. Unfortunately, it’s not the case.

I don’t know about you, but I know (and I’m sure that most of my best friends will agree) that whenever I fall in love with someone, it feels as if I am falling in love for the very first time, which is why it makes sense that whenever someone breaks up with me, it feels as though I am dealing with a broken heart for the very first time.

What a vicious, deadly cycle. Like I said, there is really no getting used to it.

However, I cannot deny the fact that with every failed relationship, I learn something about myself, and, in a way, that lesson (or maybe experience?) changes me to a whole new different person.

After three heartaches, I know now, that life continues on, and that things will only get better. I know now that no matter how deep I am into drowning, I will recover; that no matter how I decided to put my life on hold for the rest of my life, the clock will still tick; that no matter how much I cry, or shout to the world that I will never be happy again or that I will never be able to move on, at one point or another, I will just get my happy back and find myself taking a big step forward.

Most probably, I will fall in love and get my heart broken again. Hell, I’m sure when that happens it will feel as if pain, and anger, and hurt are all new to me, but at least now I know that the pain, the anger, the hurt, no matter how much it stings, won’t stay forever.

I find it silly that I used to agree that love is sweeter the second time around. Whenever my heart is freshly burnt, I always have these thoughts that one day my ex-boyfriend will come back to me and tell me that the biggest mistake in his life was letting me go, and when that happens, I will take him back in my arms immediately and we will have the perfect ending to a perfect love story.

I find it so interesting that no matter how certain we are at one point, and how decided we are of what we want, everything can just change for one reason or another. I know that should any of my past loves try to catch up with my present, it is never going to work. There is a reason why it didn’t work out in the first place. No matter how much I loved them, the fact that they left me broken is enough to know that I will never want to spend my life with anyone who walked away from me and left me in a black hole. They can come to me begging on their knees, they can even kiss my feet and cry their hearts out. They can tell me that they realized how madly in love they are to me, but it won’t change a single thing.

The fact is, after every break up, I move on. I change, the bars are raised much higher. They can say they are in love with me but that won’t be true. Who they are in love with is their idea of me when I was with them. What they don’t realize is that that person died the moment they left, and a new me is born.

I’m not really sure where I am going with this, but what I want to say is that after every break up–after all the losing yourself, and the break downs, and the second guessing, and all the self doubts, you just start seeing things clearly. You start feeling alive again that you smile without having to force yourself to. You start seeing life and its beautiful colors with a different eye.

You come out strong. You realize how foolish you were and that is why you know much better now. All of a sudden, you know that what you want is not someone who will leave you but someone who will stay. Someone who will appreciate you for everything that you are and will love you for your totality.

We want someone who won’t turn us to monster girlfriends (or hitler boyfriends.) Someone who will make us feel good about ourselves, someone who will hold our hands tightly even when we start complaining about the changing weather.

Everyone deserves an epic love story. After all, no matter how much we deny it, we are all suckers for romantic comedy movies. We might as well be with a leading actor (or actress) who is perfect for the role!

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Date a girl who dances salsa

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Date a girl who dances salsa. She is feisty, driven, confident. She dances her way through life in a way that she can dodge a bullet in the most graceful fashion. She is strong–physically, mentally, emotionally. She has arms and legs made solid from hardcore dancing. She’s been stepped on countless times with a 4-inch stiletto, she has fallen face flat on the floor, but that doesn’t stop her from dancing. She knows that like dancing, life continues on with or without music.

A girl who dances salsa is not afraid to make mistakes because she takes every wrong turn as a learning curve. She is a girl with a curious soul and an open mind. She will try bachata or kizomba, hiphop, even rumba. She will say yes to a new form of dance even when she has zero knowledge about it because a girl who dances salsa is a girl who is thirsty to learn.

A girl who dances salsa gives and takes. She knows her favorite moves yet she will allow you to lead her from time to time knowing that in every dance she can learn something new. She is a good follower but that doesn’t stop her from being a good leader. She will tell you right in your face that you shouldn’t have pushed hard, or that you are out of beat. When she does that, be impressed because not everyone can be in-your-face honest nowadays. Even when you are leading her in the dance, she will find ways to make the dance extra special by adding her own touch to it.

Date a girl who dances salsa because she is a girl who has high appreciation for the arts and artists. She loves dancing salsa for its elegant art. She recognizes a good salsa song the moment the percussion starts to beat.

A salsera is a chameleon. She has rhythm within her. She blends in and makes fast connection with everyone and that is the same reason why she stands out. The moment she steps in a salsa event, watch her spend a decent half an hour just giving everyone a welcome hug and kisses hello. Everyone loves her around because she has a heart as big as the dance floor. She has good vibes and positive energy that will lift you out of your sorry mood.

When a salsera asks you how you are doing or how your day went, trust me, she really wants to know. Otherwise, she would not bother asking when she can just pull you for a dance without saying a word. So, take the time to let her know what you have been up to, for all you know, she is taking this as a window to know more about you.

A girl who dances salsa goes where the wind blows. She knows when to stand up for the love of her life, yet she knows when it is time to let go. Years of dancing salsa taught her that some people just comes and goes, the way it always does in rueda de casino. A salsera knows when to take a deep and rise from that deep. And believe me, she will rise to any deep much stronger than the fall.

It is easy to date a girl who dances salsa. Invite her for an 8:00pm dinner and she will be there right on time if not earlier. She won’t make you wait an hour or two because she knows how frustrating it is when a salsa event starts late. She values time. Every minute to a dance means a lot to her, so if you do ask her out on a date, be on time and see how much she will like you more for valuing her time’s worth.

A girl who dances salsa does not crack under pressure. She is in control and can fully take care of herself. She is composed and calm and she never loses herself. Dancing salsa taught her that feeling down doesn’t last too long. Sometimes, all it takes is a good salsa event to get her happy back.

A salsera (no matter how long she’s been dancing for, no matter how complex her knowledge is about the dance) keeps her feet grounded. She appreciates talent when she sees it. She has danced a bazillion times before but that does not get in her head. She is humbled by the fact that there is still so much to learn outside the dance floor. She is moved by the courage of beginners and takes pleasure in seeing them evolve and grow within the salsa scene. At the same time, she has high regards for dancers who have turned the soles of their shoes paper-thin from all those years of dancing.

A girl who dances salsa takes the time to know people. She knows that a salsa party is limited to dancing which is why she will ask you out for coffee where the environment is more chat-friendly. Better yet, if you meet a girl who dances salsa, ask her out for coffee or shisha. She will feel giddy inside and out knowing that you will go an extra length to spend time with her not only at a salsa party where meeting is just out of convenience.

It is easy to recognize a salsera. She is that girl in the gym who is listening to Dile El Amor in full blast while lifting three-kilo weights. She is that girl sitting at a corner with a huge bottle of mineral water because she knows she has to be hydrated if she plans on dancing for long. She is that girl with a spare bag where her dancing shoes are. A salsera doesn’t dance in knee-high boots, or 5 inch heels, or a Converse sneakers. She knows that a good pair of dancing shoes is essential to a good dance and a good party. Yes, she takes salsa seriously, because that is what a salsera does with everything she is passionate about.

When you meet a girl who dances salsa, ask her where the next salsa party is, if you’re lucky, she might even invite you to come. When she does, go. It means she wants you to have a slice of her life. Nothing connects people better than dancing. You feel the passion, the intensity, the chemistry, all these in a dance. You feel feelings. You feel when it’s right, and you can tell when it’s not.

A girl who dances salsa knows that at any second, anything can happen and change everything, and she will always be prepared for it. Nothing takes her by surprise. You can spin her around a dozen times, even more, but she will not get off balance. You can let her go for a freestyle and she will be more than happy to show you what she’s got. She knows that her favorite song will always come to an end and she will take it as a beginning to another dance, another song.

Date a girl who dances salsa because she can feel. She is an emotional creature and she is proud of it. One dance can express so much about a salsera. It exposes her being, her passion, her emotions. It’s easy to tell when she’s happy or sad–her facial expressions, hand gestures, and the way she sways her hips say it all.

Pain and vulnerability is something she takes pride in. These are the two things that makes her human. It satisfies her knowing that she is susceptible to hurt, and yet that won’t stop her from taking the leap. She knows that just like in a dance where she gets elbowed, and squeezed, and criticized and judged, life offers more and even harder challenges.

When a salsera says that she loves you, have no doubts because it is true. She knows that love can take away all her decision-making abilities but she will take the risk, knowing that most of the beautiful dances were never expected.

A girl who dances salsa understands that you are not superman, she knows that you can make mistakes and that you don’t know everything because she is a girl who sings and hums to Latin songs even when she doesn’t know or understand the words. She will accept your past and take you for your present, while looking forward more dances with you tomorrow. She is a girl who knows how to compromise. She knows that a relationship has the same theory as a partner dance.

A salsera is a girl who knows very well that love is and should be built in trust. You will see her dance with all the men at a salsa party but you have to know that there is nothing more she can ever want than to dance with you. In fact, she cannot even wait for the next bachata song to start so she could throw her arms around you already. You have to know that a girl who dances salsa will dance with everyone else but it is and will always be different when she dances with you.

A salsera is a girl who can make you feel different emotions in a span of thirty minutes–carefree in merengue, fun in chacha, sophisticated in salsa, passionate in bachata. That’s how she is, always enthused by the different flavors and tastes of life. She knows very well that some flavors she won’t like, some tastes she will detest but she will try it all with her head held high.

She understands that you can’t be with her 24/7 and that it is perfectly fine. Just like most salsa events that are scheduled, she knows you’ve got your own schedules too. She will give you time to be with your friends because she knows she needs time to spend with her girlfriends from salsa too.

A girl who dances salsa is never shallow. She is everything but that. So don’t worry, she is not quick to judge. First impressions do not impress her. No, it doesn’t work like that for our salsera because dancing has taught her that you cannot grasp someone’s personality or character even after months of dancing with them. She knows that salsa is a social venue where you meet people, but she is smart enough to know that real friendships are made outside the dancing floor.

You can tell that a girl dances salsa by that fact that she can’t stop talking about how much she would love to go to Cuba! If you got all the aces in your hand, she might even ask you if you’d like to go with her. If she does, do not hesitate. She wants you to be there at the happiest moment of her life.

When a girl who dances salsa falls in love, you will be her favorite dancer, you will be the most handsome Latino in her eyes even when you don’t dance salsa at all, even when you have two left feet.

A salsera will not push you to do what you don’t want to do because she knows how annoying it is to be dancing with someone who pushes his style and moves on her. At the same time, she knows that every dancer is their own person. She values identity, and independence, and differences more than anything else. You may not be her cup of tea but she will like you for all that you are because individuality is the very thing that attracted her to salsa in the first place. She will love you all the more for having your own sense of self, because you know what your strengths are and you can recognize your weak points when they’re shown.

Date a girl who dances salsa because when you are with her, it feels as though you are listening to an old song for the very first time. Love her because even when she’s danced with 138 different men, she is with you for the reason that she saw something in you that she hasn’t seen in any of those men. In a way, that should already make you feel good about yourself!

A girl who dances salsa is a girl who loves herself. She knows her worth, she knows what she deserves. She will not change for anyone. She will not allow anyone define who she is. She defines herself. You either love her for her totality or you don’t take anything at all. If you find that she is demanding, it is only because she will not let anyone, even the love of her life short-change her or take her for granted. She knows her rights and she won’t let anyone treat her any less. Rest assured, if a salsera loves you back, she will never short-change you, or treat you any less, or take you for granted because she knows your worth, she knows what you deserve.

Date a girl who dances salsa because she is the kind of girl who is beautiful inside and out. She knows she doesn’t have to prove herself–not to you, not to anyone–because she is her own woman. She is beautiful that way. There is something about her that remains attractive even when she has gone sweaty after three hours of dancing. Maybe it is the fact that unlike other girls who always try to look their best to impress, a salsera knows that beauty is never about make up or clothes. It is what is inside you. She is not superficial. She acknowledges beauty when she sees it but she knows how easily it can fade away.

A salsera is a girl who loves women. Nothing can be sexier than seeing a salsera admire another salsera. She treats every girl as an ally not an enemy. She believes in feminism and camaraderie. She knows that jealousy and intrigue and rumors and gossips exist only for the fascination of junior high girls. She sees beauty in everyone, no matter the size, no matter the shape, no matter the age or color. She knows that she doesn’t have to have a body of a latina to dance very well. She is comfortable in her own skin that she radiates no matter the beat, no matter the song.

A girl who dances salsa knows that life is not a fairytale. She has realistic goals, realistic dreams. She knows she can’t get or have everything she wants and she will not be disappointed. What do you think she does when not one of her favorite songs is played in a salsa event? You think she pouts her lips and throws a silly tantrum? No! She makes do of what she has. She is more than happy to dance in a new song. Sure, it might not be her favorite song, but that won’t stop her from dancing.

It is very easy to date a salsera. She doesn’t want a Prada bag or an expensive perfume. She knows that there is no way her dancing shoes and one liter water bottles will fit in a clutch bag. She knows that the scent of a perfume wears out just after a few dances. But give her your own mix of salsa music, or better yet, make a mix of her favorite Latin songs and see that look on her face that is priceless. She will hold the CD in her hands as though it is the world’s most expensive treasure. She will play it nonstop the moment she wakes up in the morning. That will continue throughout the day until she dozes off to sleep. And in between tracks, she will wish you are there listening with her if not dancing with her. Bravo, you just gave her the perfect gift she’s always wanted.

If you’re feeling a little bit extra cheesy, you don’t have to be flashy. Do it the old-school way. That Sneakers chocolate bar? It works like a charm everytime! It’s a no-brainer, she needs as much energy she can get for an all night of dancing. She will thank you for being thoughtful.

She won’t mind you dancing with other girls because she knows she can trust you. She doesn’t get jealous and there is no feeling of insecurity because she knows very well and will never forget what she means to you.

Is a girl who dances salsa worth it? Absolutely, in more ways than one! So when you find her, keep her. Don’t lose her with your insecurities or worse, out of jealousy, for when she says that she loves you, she means every word. After all, this is a girl who has met so many people at various salsa parties before. If she has chosen you, never let her go because you are more than lucky for the fact that out of all the men she has met and danced with, she fell in love with you. Thank the gods she didn’t choose that one awesome Cuban dancer, or that expat from Spain, or that sexy bachata instructor.

She must have seen something in you that makes her want to dance her way through life with no one else but you. And if you and her will have problems along the way, her judgement will not be clouded by what other people say. She loves you for who you are, not for who you can be, not for her idea of who you are. She loves you because you are you, right here, right now. She doesn’t need anyone to tell her you are not good enough, or that she deserves someone better. If you’ve been reading very intently, I think I have already stressed many times how a girl who dances salsa knows her worth and what she deserves. If she’s with you, she’s with you for a reason. You are someone worthy to dance with even when the music has stopped.

Date a girl who dances salsa. Make her feel that she is the best girl in the world. Let her know that she is safe, that you will catch her should she fall. Make her believe that no matter who she is dancing with or who you are dancing with, you will always be each other’s first and last dance.

Find a girl who dances salsa, because when you do, you’ll start living as though life is a dance floor. And with a salsera’s hand intertwined with yours, there is never a wrong turn. Only music in the background that has gotten much sweeter. And just in case you fall in love with a salsera, and you’re lucky enough that she falls in love with you too, congratulations! You just found yourself an epic partner on and off the dance floor!

I have a crush? When did that happen? Part 2

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Allow me to indulge myself, again, about my new crush.

Last Friday, I saw him again at a Salsa party. You know that feeling when your heart just skips a beat? Or when there’s tightening in your throat and you can’t breathe? That’s how I feel whenever I see him.

I always want to see him at every salsa event I go to, but I never know if he is going to be there or not, so whenever I push open the door of the restaurant, I already have this mental note playing in my head: “please be here, please be here.”

And as usual, the room will be crowded with familiar faces. My eyes would sweep the floor, quickly trying to look for that one person, half hoping he is already there and yet half hoping he wouldn’t notice that I was searching for him.

I don’t understand why I’m too afraid that if he meets my eyes, it will be enough for him to know that I like him. It’s silly, I want to know if he, maybe, likes me too, yet I don’t want him to find out I have a big crush on him.

Darn, I hate how all these make me sound like a 13 year old prep girl.

When I see him, I start feeling less tensed.

“Whew, he’s here, now I can relax.”

And so I would go about my usual spot and change into my dancing shoes, all the time pretending that I didn’t see him, or that I was never intentionally looking for him.

And the early night would go on with all the usual hellos and the welcome hugs and peck on the cheeks with everyone that I know.

I will wait until he comes over to me before I smile at him. I know that after the welcome smile comes the essential ‘how are things going?’ question and even before I could come up with an answer, I would find ourselves already dancing on the floor.

Maybe it’s just all in my head when I say that I feel there is a connection between us. The way that even when he’s seated at the total opposite corner of the room, I can still feel our glances, and the smiles. Even when he’s dancing with someone else, or I am dancing with someone else, I feel that we are just both waiting to dance again with each other.

Yeah, that’s what happens when you have a highly creative mind.

I have this feeling that whenever it’s my favorite song playing, I just want to be able to dance with him on that favorite song, half-hoping that he would rather dance with me than anyone else on his favorite latin beat as well.

I am really awkward when it comes to dealing with the guys I get attracted to. Whenever I see him coming up to me for a dance, I feel like I have to say something and ends up saying something silly instead. Like for instance, every time he walks towards me on the start of a new song, I have this huge grin plastered all over my face as I ask him if he wants to dance.

Well, of course. Isn’t it too obvious? What else would he be coming up to me for?

Sometimes, I wish that the space between my chair and the dance floor is ocean wide so I could get to hold his hand much longer. I like that feeling, my fingers with his as we walk side by side to the dance floor.

It’s a tough job to have a crush at salsa. Since it’s the first time that this has ever happened to me, I am only now realizing how hard it is to make room for my crush when everyone else is asking me to dance.

It’s so embarrassing when all these guys, who I usually dance with, ask me for a dance and then I have to say no so I can wait until my crush asks me for a dance. And then I would have these thoughts in my head that the guys who I just said no to now knows why I said no in the first place. Embarrassing. Or my heart just falls flat on the ground when I am waiting for him to ask me only to see him coming up to another girl.

It’s embarrassing to admit that I get slightly jealous when I see him dancing with someone else. But the fact that we are dancing is already enough to make me happy at that certain moment.

I guess, the thing that is good about having a crush at salsa is that it makes me want to become a better dancer, it inspires me to dance more gracefully, more beautifully.

I hope one day we can dance bachata together. The kind of bachata that is real, full of chemistry and passion.

Maybe not now, but who knows?

The parable of the chocolate ice cream

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Below is a letter I wrote my best friend who is currently going through a rough time in his relationship. This applies to everyone who are still looking despite the fact that what they are looking for is just right in front of their nose. This also applies to everyone who has been in a relationship long enough to have passed the honeymoon stage and are now feeling doubtful, bored, unsatisfied. This letter can only do two things: shed some light or get you more confused than you already are. (Note: * not their real names.)

Dearest Monkey Potatoheadski,

Where to start? Last night I started writing something about obsession. I get obsessed with a lot of things and a lot of people. When I want it, I have to make sure I get it. I will do everything in my power to have it. If I have to cry or throw a fit or jump over a mountain or roll down a hill, I will, if that’s the only way I can have it.

Now, what does that make me sound like? A spoiled brat, right? Terrible.

I obsess when it comes to love. I am in love with love and romance which is why my life has become a huge romantic drama comedy movie.

But I want you to know that sometimes, I really like something only for the reason that I cannot have it. It’s the challenge of proving myself I can have anything and everything that I want. And then once I finally get it, it’s over, too late to realize I never want it in the first place.

I always tell my friends about my story of chocolate ice cream.

Imagine. All your life you’ve been eating chocolate ice cream. It’s the only flavor you know, the one flavor you ever tasted. You know the creamiest and sweetest details down to the littlest bits. You know how it melts in your tongue and how it can send you to moments of glory. One day you decide to go to the shop to get your chocolate ice cream and to your dismay, you find that there is none. Lots of other flavors are left, strawberry, pistachio, mango, vanilla, caramel. You name it. All new and exciting flavors are waiting to be devoured. Very tempting isn’t it?

And you start thinking: “should I just wait until the chocolate ice cream is available or should I just get a new flavor?”

It’s your call, but think about this: why did you go to the shop in the first place? Is it because you want ice cream? Or is it because you want chocolate ice cream?

If it is because you want ice cream, then go ahead and try all the new flavors you want. Two at a time, three at a time, get a dozen different flavors if you will. But if you went to get nothing else but chocolate ice cream, chances are you will wait until the shop restocks, or you will run to the shop, next block, to get the exact same thing.

Should you decide to try a new flavor, there are only two things that can happen, you will either love it and think that this will be your favorite flavor from now on, or you will regret it and feel terrible not getting your old favorite.

So, you like this girl and you think that if she likes you just the same, you will give it a try. *John, why do you like her? You said she’s the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen on earth. That is a pretty big statement coming from you, and yet it is embarrassingly and undeniably shallow at the same time. Is it only because she is pretty? What else? How well do you know her? How well does she know you?

And what about *Lilly? The two of you have been together for what, seven years? You’ve been through the best and worst of times together, emphasis on TOGETHER!

Maybe, because she’s traveling to Asia for some months, it has been easier to entertain new thoughts and consider new feelings of liking. I don’t know how she treats you, I have no idea how she shows you or make you feel her love, and obviously, I only know little about how you make her feel that she is loved.

What I do know and believe is that when you are in love, you stop looking. There is a reason why, out of the blue, you started looking, why you started reaching out to a girl from three years ago.

When Hisham broke up with me last September, Chris, my ex-boyfriend from Michigan, started sending me a lot of emails. This was the guy I met when I was 21 and had a two year relationship with. I am very sure that at that time, I loved him deeply. It was real and sincere. Four years later, he sends me an email telling me he’s been in serious relationships with other girls after me, but he can’t take me off his mind. He knows that I am the one he wants to be with.

I guess if I was the same person I used to be four years ago, tears of heavenly joy would have rolled down my cheeks and I would have easily left Egypt and flown to the U.S., but I am so much different now, and I also know that four years would have changed him as well. He said he still loves me, but that is not quite true. Who he loves is his idea of me when I was 21 and I am no longer that person.

I don’t know what it is with being or staying loyal to someone, but I am the kind of person who can only be in love with one guy at a time.

When I am in love with someone, I stop looking. I never looked for anyone because there is a reason I am with a certain guy to begin with. I never experienced being confused or torn between two lovers when I am in a relationship because I know what I want, I know what makes me happy and I choose to be with that person that I want and makes me happy.

When I went to Australia last August, I was still dating Hisham then, I travelled to Queensland for a few days and met this Brazilian guy who looks like a perfectly photoshopped image, and to my surprise, he was interested in me. If I was single at that time, maybe I would have awkwardly flirted back, but because I was with Hisham, no one catches my eyes but him.

The same story goes with Ali and everyone else I have been with. Whoever it is that I am with will always be the best, most loving, most attractive guy in my eyes despite his dirty nails or the snot in his nose, or his snort of a laugh that is clearly unattractive.

It is not about being with the perfect person but being with the person who makes you feel that you are perfect.

I don’t know how *Lilly makes you feel. And even I have not experienced being loved as though I am perfect. On the one hand though, I know that whenever I love, I make that person feel that he deserves the best and that, to me, he is perfect. It is quite sad realizing that in all my relationships (at least the recent ones) I always have to beg for their love. It felt like a constant battle of trying to win them over and fighting not to lose them, which I now regard as half-assing myself.

Like I said, you have to be with someone who makes you feel perfect. Who will love you for everything that you are, and accept you for your past, present, and future. At the same time, you need to be with someone who you will love for everything that she is. Someone who can make you stop looking, someone who can make you taste different flavors of love and life even when she is just one person.

And about your century long relationship with *Lilly, you have to really clear your head and look at it in all angles. Why are you with her? Is it because you love her or just because it’s the right thing to do? Is it because it is convenient or comfortable for you? Who knows, maybe she’s also thinking the same thing, I don’t know. And how will that make you feel if you find out she’s having exactly the same thoughts as you do?

If there is one thing I have learned, you shouldn’t stay in a relationship because it is the right thing to do or because it is what is expected of you or just out of responsibility and obligation. You should stay in a relationship because it makes you happy and because your heart is in it.

So, think. A lot! Where is your heart, *John? If it’s with *Lilly, then no doubt, stay. We shouldn’t even be discussing this. But if it is somewhere else, then do your heart a big favor and let everything go before you cause yourself a serious cardiac arrest.

Whichever you choose, there will always be a consequence. Nothing ever comes easy these days! If you go, then you have to understand that *Lilly might not be back should you realize that the other girl is not what you want after all. And if you choose to stay, you just have to let go of your thoughts and the maybes and the what ifs and all the what-could-have-beens with this other girl. The unknown can be quite attractive but it can also turn to ugly once you submerge yourself in it.

Tough luck, Monkey, but I know you’ll get through this.

You know I’m always here.

I love you,
Lazy Daisy

PS. Why do you think the shop ran out of chocolate ice cream if it isn’t the best flavor there is? 😉

We are all best selling authors in our own crazies

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Sometimes I like to live my life as if I am a main character in a best-selling romantic fiction novel.

All my heartaches and love life? Sure, I have written about it for everyone to know that, oftentimes, our own story (the plot, the people involved, the conflict, the climax, and resolution) are so much better and more interesting than what we can get out of the shelves of our favorite fiction section.

What’s fascinating about it is knowing that it is raw, unedited. It’s as real as real can get.

With regards to my story though, I’m quite undecided as to whether I’m still dwelling on the conflict or making my way to climax or rushing straight to resolution.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am no longer afraid.

No longer afraid to go back to usual places that remind me of that one character who is borderline responsible for the major conflict in my story.

For a while, I’ve been trying to avoid everything that reminds me of him–the shisha places we frequented, the greek salad we always ordered. I even stopped using my vanilla perfume because it reminds me just how much he loves that scent.

I guess that was my way of forgetting about him which is a fruitless task since I truly believe that we can never forget about someone, especially those who left a mark if not a scar.

I hear a lot of people say that, through time, we can forget. And when I disagree, they say it will happen. It is bound to happen but just not yet.

Well, here’s what I say, it no longer hurts, and I am already moving on, but that doesn’t mean that I forget unless, maybe, I hit my head strong on a pavement and hope it causes me severe coma that leads to amnesia.

I am relieved to say though that the brooding, lonely days are over. I can hear his name, and even smell the exact same fragrant on another guy and it will no longer shoot a big whammy.

I can think about him and look back at all the pictures we took, and read all his love letters and SMSes again and again and not feel that crippling sensation.

I can think about his face, imagine him kissing and holding hands with whoever took my place and the familiar rush of jealousy combined with bitterness doesn’t come.

I can look back at every single detail, and remember even the littlest moments and there is no more tightening in my chest.

It feels as though everything–the songs, objects, and places that I have associated with him and that I was keeping myself distance from–is finally mine again. I have it back!

Maybe I was testing myself today. It’s been exactly a month since I last saw him, and just out of nowhere, I decided to visit one of our favorite cafes. In fact, I am currently sitting at exactly the same spot, and waiting for exactly the same food we had the last time we were here together. I’m waiting for the tears to come. I’m waiting for the familiar feeling of nausea, but it doesn’t come. It doesn’t happen. Finally, I can indulge myself in that cantaloupe shisha and sink my teeth in my favorite chocolate crepe without having to fear a big meltdown.

What a scrumptious taste!

It is not that I don’t care anymore or that I feel indifferent towards him, but rather I am just acknowledging that I have let go.

I am recalling the person I was a month ago–overly dramatic, swallowed in emptiness and pain, desperate in my grave attempts of winning him back, I wanted him to know how much he ruined me, I wanted my feelings to get validated, I wanted him to feel regret and despair, but I no longer want that, I don’t feel like that anymore–somehow, something in me has changed or has been altered, and the person I was a few weeks ago just seem so strange and unrecognizable now.

What is left is a liberating feeling that I am more than OK–that I can go back to the previous pages of my book and keep reading and re-reading everything about this particular character and not feel damaged or broken.

Like I said, there is no forgetting because of all the imprint he has left behind. How can I forget when he will forever be in the previous chapters of my story. It’s not like I can just rip the pages where his name is printed in big, bold letters and just erase him like that. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works for me, but I find solace in knowing that those chapters do not hinder me anymore from anticipating how the story unfolds.

It has been a few tearjerker chapters, but it can no longer jeopardize the new characters that are about to be introduced or the new twist in the plot that is about to happen.

If there is anything I learned from reading one chic lit book to another, it is that the conflict and the climax makes up a good finish.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a delicious lunch to devour, and another chapter to write!

I have a crush? When did that happen?

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This feels surprisingly weird and unexpectedly awkward, but let me be flamboyant about it: I have a new crush.

I’m not sure how people have crushes nowadays, like how and when does it even start? When do you realize you have a crush on someone and pinpoint why you have a crush on them?

It’s a crush based on what? Exceptionally good looks? Amazing personality? Striking abilities? Common interests?

This new crush feels weird because I don’t get crushes on people I don’t know and I don’t know him. In previous times, I get crushes on people I go out with, people who are my good friends. People I know through work or school or in an organization of which I am a member of. That’s why guys who come up to me randomly never catch my attention. They don’t stand a chance. “Hello? Stranger, get away from me! Now! And fast or I’ll call the cops!”

It also feels awkward because if you have been following my previous posts, I was just swamped and crumbling from a broken heart a couple of weeks back, yet here I am jumping up and down because of this new crush.

I’ve seen him a few times at salsa. It’s funny how, now, when I think about it, I can remember vividly the first two times we danced because it was on a really fast song.

When I dance salsa with a guy for the first time, I get nervous because I don’t know his moves, I’m not sure when he’s going to turn me around or pull a shine or decide to let go for an improv.

I obviously cannot remember all the first dances I had with every new guy. In fact, I don’t remember any at all, but for some reason, I remember the first couple of dances I had with him. I didn’t even have a crush on him at the time.

The first one happened at Bellini’s on a Tuesday. He asked me for a dance and I was like “hmmm, this is a fast song, nervous nervous nervous.” But the whole night was just spent dancing with my usual dancing partners and friends after that first dance with Mr. New Crush.

The second time was at Portobello on Friday the same week. I saw him coming to me and I was like “this is the guy I danced a fast song with and he’s walking towards me on the queue of another fast song? Give me a break!”

The thing with salsa, it’s difficult to appreciate the dance and the dancer when it’s fast. It’s like you are short-changing all the moves and just putting your mediocre, off-beat ass on the floor.

So, after the second dance I told him I remembered how the first time we danced was on a fast beat and the second time was the same. I told him we should dance on a song that is in a comfortable beat and I’m glad that we did.

It was a good dance and I finally get to appreciate his style. He is a good dancer (at least in my standards.) He gives me this feeling that I am safe in the dance, that I shouldn’t worry about getting off balance, that I should just enjoy it because he won’t let go and he won’t let me fall face flat on the floor. (Believe me, I’ve seen that happening to other girls before, like their dancing partners just throw them for a turn and forget to catch them, oops!)

Since the first two dances, we have been dancing frequently but I will not put any color or meaning or imagination to it. I guess we dance a lot because 1. We are already familiar with each other and 2. There’s not a lot of people to dance with.

We had a few conversations here and there about usual introduction stuff-where are you from? What do you do? What do you think of Egypt? When did you start dancing salsa? You get the picture. (Kinda tricky to do when you are at a salsa party because people are usually there to dance, not to talk. Plus, the music blasting in the background is not really chat-friendly, but somehow, we managed.)

Well, I’m not sure what it is about him, but he just looks pleasant, like the kind of guy that you won’t run away from. Or maybe it’s his aura that seems to tell me it’s safe to get close to him, he won’t bite. Or maybe it’s the way he smiles and laughs in a conversation. I don’t know.

When I dance salsa, I usually have this automatic look-at-me-I’m-a-serious-salsera look on my face, but when I dance with him, I just find myself smiling throughout the song. I can’t help it because he is smiling too!

And tonight on my way home, I’m wondering if he noticed that I held his hand a little bit longer and a little bit tighter than usual. Well, I certainly noticed it.

It’s like a revelation. There’s a voice inside my head telling me “Jennifer, you’re dancing with him and you feel different. Happy. You don’t want the song to end and at the same time you can’t wait for the next song to start so you can dance with him again.”

And that same voice is probing me with endless questions. Why do you get so shy when you’re around him? How come when he’s surrounded with people you can’t come up and struck a conversation? Why has it been impossible to say hello when you see him enter the restaurant, while you can approach everyone else? Why can’t you manage to say goodbye before you leave when all the time you do it with everyone else? You are singling him out and chances are he’ll think you are avoiding him.

Voice inside my head, shush already!

I don’t know about avoiding him when I want him to be my first and last dance in every salsa party I go to. He turns the dance into something more, something that makes me smile (at least in my head!) He was my last dance tonight which makes me jittery. I asked if we can dance one last time before I go home and he politely said that I don’t even have to ask.

I think that’s what it is, he is polite and pleasant and there is this subtle tenderness about him. Now, I’m getting weirded out with myself considering I’m not really good at judging people. And what gives me the credibility to say that he is polite and pleasant and has this tenderness about him when I don’t really know him? I’m even having a hard time saying his name!

But that’s another thing though, I want to know him! And I want to know if maybe he wants to know me too.

So, there, I said it, I have a new crush! Wear your party hats on, blow those balloons, and pop the champagne!

Everything I need to learn about love and happiness, I learned from children and the books they read

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At 25, I feel so dumb and naive when it comes to love and relationships. It’s like when I am in a relationship, I lose sense of everything and care about nothing except that significant other. I turn into this monster girlfriend who swears and nags. I turn into the ultimate drama queen who cries at every fight, no matter how serious or petty the root of the problem is. I turn psycho and paranoid. My actions start resembling that of a toddler who whinges and throws terrible tantrums when she doesn’t get her lollies.

I also become that person who is needy, clingy, dependent, acts like a spoiled brat, second guesses if not doubts herself. I become unfocused at work, I start pulling a no-show on my social circle because all I want is get stoned and high from love.

Simply put, I lose it. I get crazy.

It’s like 25 years of living taught me nothing more than be childish and selfish. It’s like when I am dating someone, the world just stops, my life is put on hold for that period until whoknowshowlong and I just tend to forget that I have a full life before I start diving in a relationship.

Yes, I dive in a relationship, I sink into it and it swallows me whole that I just start disappearing from everyone other than that significant other. Bye bye to everyone, Jennifer is out of service and cannot be reached.

Now that I am back to being single, all of a sudden, I have all these free time in my hands. I have time to see friends, write more, dance salsa, read, run, do art, play the piano, play with my god children, do art again, cook and bake, sing. Plan my holidays, talk to my dad. The list just goes on.

That doesn’t make me feel better though because it meant that for a time, my friends, family, and the things and activities I was passionate about just came in last.

It makes me feel as though “ok there’s no one to love, why not clean the house, or talk to my dad, or invite my girlfriends out?”

It’s embarrassing to admit that when I had a boyfriend, all my hours were spent on the phone, on choosing what to wear and putting make up on to impress him, on make out sessions that I can never get enough of, on Facebook, stalking and checking out my boyfriend’s profile.

It’s like all of a sudden, I’m back to junior high all over again.

Shallow. Foolish. Stupid.

It makes me realize how, oftentimes, I’m really not smarter than a 5th grader, and today is another day that proved how children think and act more grown up than I do.

Kids never fail to surprise me.

I usually spend my Saturdays with my god children–Jem, who is the most curious 6 year old boy, and Bella, the sweetest 3 year old girl on Earth, but when I started seeing Ali, I abandoned my role as their god mother.

I know, right. I’m guilty of being an irresponsible aunt.

Today, I tried to make up for all the Saturdays I went on AWOL. I spent the afternoon with them at a sports club playing tennis, and painting a bunch of ceramic art.

And then at night, before I tucked them in to bed, they asked that I read them their bedtime story.

Bella told me to read The Heart and the Bottle.

It’s this simple story about a little girl who has strong interests and liking in the world. She seats at her favorite chair everyday just appreciating the beauty of life itself, but as she grows old, she realizes that the world is not a safe place and so she decides to put her heart in a bottle. That’s when she starts losing interest and liking for the world, that’s when her favorite chair starts feeling empty. But at least her heart is safe.

Years later, the girl grows up to be a woman and here comes a time when she wants to get her heart out of the bottle but she cannot remember how to unlock it anymore, until she sees this little girl who has strong interests and liking in the world. The little girl takes the woman’s heart out of the bottle and all of a sudden, the woman’s favorite chair is filled with the beauty of life itself.

The Heart and the Bottle is just a 3-minute story, and as soon as I finished reading, Jem asked me:

“How did the little girl get the lady’s heart out of the bottle?”

And I said:

“Let’s say I am the lady and Bella is the little girl. When I get very, very sad, it feels like my heart is locked in a bottle, it can’t breathe, it can’t move. But when I see Bella and she says ‘I love you, Auntie Jen’ I don’t feel sad anymore. My heart feels happier because it can breathe again, it can move again. That’s how the little girl gets the lady’s heart out of the bottle.”

And with that, I gave Jem and Bella their kisses goodnight.

On my way home, I realized how much of a semblance the woman in the story and I have. She didn’t want her heart to be broken and so she kept it in a safe place, her heart was safe but her chair felt empty.

After Ali broke up with me, my life felt empty and unhappy. I lost interest and liking in the world. It is only now that I am beginning to realize that Ali is not the only person who can make my life full and make me happy.

Love and happiness doesn’t have to always come in romantic packages. It’s not always about the butterflies-in-the-stomach, jittery-fluttery feel. It’s not always about the kissing and the slightest touch that sends you off on a rocket trip to cloud nine.

When we are in love we tend to take for granted everything that we have and forget all the other emotions and sensations we were enjoying before the relationship was even there. Which is probably why when we go through a heartache, we feel as though we have nothing because we gave up everything.

Love and happiness sometimes come in the simplest and the littlest of forms. Tonight, it knocked on my door in the sweetest form of my god children and it was the sincerest form of love. It is the kind of love that makes your heart breathe, makes your heart move. It is the kind that is healthy and does not change me into something I am not. It is the kind that does not require me to nag, unless Jem and Bella are being extremely naughty.

I thought I was going to make up for all the Saturdays I missed out on my god children, and instead, they made my Saturday.

And when I got home, it felt as though my heart is out of the bottle and my favorite chair isn’t as empty anymore.