Empty (waltz)

Verse 1:

At night I lie in bed

I think of you and the days we spent

You don’t know this now

But there’s unspoken truth I have kept

 

Pre Chorus:

There’s no one else I’d rather see

Where you are is where I wanna be

What I would do to go back in time?

Darling would you be mine?

 

Chorus:

If I turn and go back

Would you run fast to hold me?

If I jump and scrape my knee

Would you be there to kiss me?

If I lose my way to you

Would you please come and find me?

Without you things feel empty

Ooooh.

 

Verse 2:

There will be clouds above our heads

Oh, my darling, just look ahead

All that I ask is one more day

To let the light shine our way

Reach the Stars

Verse 1:

I whisper words you never heard

I’m holding truths I left unsaid

My lips are sealed, my mind is on the brink

Is there a place for you and I

Where we can climb all mountains high

And see the rainbows red and blue and green?

Just you and me

Where we can fly high

And reach the start

Just you and me

 

Verse 2:

Wash away my fears with love

And hold me close until it’s dark

Tomorrow comes, a new beginning waits

Where flowers bloom and never die

And I can look deep in your eyes

Is it too late for both of us to be

Just you and me

Where we can fly high

And reach the start

Just you and me

 

Verse 3:

Are you listening my dear

Do you understand the song I sing

Of love and promises that I will keep?

Just think of all our memories

Of photographs and books we read

I hope our roads will cross then we can be

Just you and me

Where we can fly high

And reach the start

Just you and me

 

Outro:

You and I will climb mountains so high

Empty (pop)

Verse 1:

At night I lie in bed

I think of you and the day we spent

You don’t know this now

But there’s unspoken truth I have kept

 

Pre Chorus:

And there’s no one else I would rather see

Where you are is where I want to be

 

Chorus:

What if I turn and go back?

Would you run fast to hold me?

What if I jump and scrape my knee?

Would you be there to kiss me?

And if I lose my way to you

Will you please come and find me, oh

‘Cause without you things feel empty

 

Verse 2:

Clouds will be above our heads

My darling just look ahead

I ask for one more day

To let the light shine our way

Across the Ocean

Verse 1:

I saw you far away and then I just knew

Colour’s much brighter standing next to you

But I am here and you are there

Take my hand, let’s go anywhere

My heart’s been bruised I was 21

I was broken into pieces deep, deep down

The things that I learned from a painful past

How the present is clearer when you face your fears

 

Pre Chorus:

What could have been what isn’t yet

Will you remember or forget?

 

Chorus:

If I turn left instead of right

Will that road lead me close to you, come hold me tight

I’ll be your brave, you’ll be my light

Come swim with me will cross the ocean tonight

 

Verse 2:

I loved some guys that I barely knew

I cried some nights wondering where are you

I crash and burn then you came along

You got me back up, I am scared no more

Lately

Verse 1:

Lately, I’ve been thinking of all the words to say

Is it the colour of your eye or me and my desire?

Lately, I’ve been wondering, are we meant to be?

Is it a simple yes or no, or will I have to let you go?

 

Chorus:

So many questions, too little time

The right place, the right time is now

I want you to know, there’s more to me than I show

But I’m not waiting tomorrow

 

Verse 2:

Lately, I’ve been dreaming, the way you look at me

Tell me that you’ll stay, meet me halfway

Lately, I’ve been calling out for your name

Is it all just in my head, or are we close to the end?

One Inch Closer

Verse 1:

Photographs fade and distance grows

When the heart breaks nobody knows

Summer changes, leaves fall off from trees

What remains is our memory

 

Chorus:

So, I’ll keep breathing, I’ll be singing

Until I’m one inch closer to you

Yeah, I’ll keep going, I’ll be racing

Until I’m one inch closer to you

 

Verse 2:

Sky gets hazy when you’re not here

What I would give just to be near

Tears may run, but I’ll be strong

Wait for me, I won’t be too long

 

Bridge:

Every breath I take, every step I make

Every word I say, every song I sing

Brings me one inch closer

We’re Too Old For That

I’m scared

Deeply terrified to L____

God! I can’t even say it

I don’t even know if I’m still capable to fall in l____

Because I think we’re too old for that

I’ve had my heart broken

Not just once

Not twice

I’ll be lucky if I can say

It’s been three times

You can imagine I lost count

In the same way I lost faith in happily ever after

L____?

It’s a whole lot of crap!

Bullshit!

All lies!

But who cares? we’re too old for that

So, I’m just going to act like I don’t care

I’m just going to check my phone every minute

Until it sucks the life out of me

I’m just going to get a heart failure

When that  person has seen my message on facebook

Or read my message on whatsapp

And I will act like it doesn’t mean a thing

Because we’re too old for that

I will pretend that I’m not looking forward

Seeing that person on Friday

Pretend it’s no big deal if he does not reply

Pretend I don’t want to know his favorite color

Favorite movie, ice cream flavor

Because it’s all crap

And we’re too old for that

L-O-V-E is the Voldemort of our vocabulary

It must not be named!

So, we call it everything else but

Physical attraction

Mutual affection

Emotional connection

Chemical reaction?

I meant chemistry, you know? Spark! Boom!

It’s for pleasure, for fun!

Summer fling

Winter romance

The spring that we’re always waiting for

Even if it’s something casual and temporary

We call it an affair

Friends with benefits

Fuck buddies

A fling

A thing

For crying out loud that’s right

It’s an interest

A quest

A challenge

A crush

The never ending cat and mouse game

Mind games

The impossible chase

Different labels, different names

We call it anything else but l____

Because we’re too old for that

We want no pressure

No obligation

No responsibility

No nothing, because what?

We’re too old for that

We are not going to get ourselves hurt

Because we know better

We’re so much wiser

We learned from previous mistakes

And damn right!

We’re too old for that!

It can’t be l____

That’s why we build this wall

And push people away

No one is allowed to come too close

No one can be let in

The door is locked, sorry!

So, we try to act real cool

We pretend that we have our shit together

When we’re totally uncool

And freaking out within.

Why can’t it be l____

Because it’s too soon

Because we’re only hanging out

Or seeing each other

No commitment

No strings attached

And heaps of other excuses

Because we’re too old for that

We want the emotional satisfaction

Minus the drama and complication

Because we’re too old for that

So, we choose to be in the grey

In the blur

In that shallow and empty space

Between nothing and something that could be more

No one wants to be the crazy chic

Who’s clingy

No one wants to be the creepy dude

Who’s possessive

And yet!

We crave for that person to say it first

For that other person to l____ us more

We will never admit it

Because we’re too old for that

Look at us–grown ups

Mature individuals we call ourselves

Yet we’re really none the wiser

It’s sad and tragic

We can’t even take charge of our own feelings

Honestly though

We have to stop torturing ourselves

Stop pretending

Stop acting

Stop asking why she hasn’t replied

Or why he hasn’t called back

And just fucking tell them, damn it!

Seriously, lao haiz ahwa

Matotlob shishay

Jack truly and deeply fell for Rose

And we all know how that story went down

But that’s not the point

The point is

They were able to recognize and acknowledge their feelings

On board a ship

In a fucking, sinking ship.

So, unless you’re in a ship

That’s bound to hit a massive iceberg

Just LOVE!

And love proud!

For once!

Do yourself a big favor

And just stop playing it safe

Love even when it’s inconvenient

Love in small doses

Love all at once

Go nuclear

Love the way you want to be loved

Love intentionally

Love unintentionally

Fall in love with all your totality

And know that you might actually have a shot at it this time

Tell them

Please, tell them

For them

But most importantly for you

What we need is to break down that wall

Dive head in first

Cross over

Stay true to yourself and love

And no matter what anyone else tells you

You’re never too old for that

What 27 Really Feels Like

27, in my rough estimate, is the oldest I have ever been. And of course, I am freaking out about it and think that I am a super old hag from the Winnie Witch series of 1987.

See, when I was in high school, people in their twenties were seen as ancient. Like dinosaurs! I remember telling a classmate who was 18 then, “you’re dating a 21 year old?! God, he’s too old!” And then I became the 21 year old who thought that 21 is young and whoever was 24 was too old. I thought that when I reached 24, I’ll be at a ripe age where everything is peachy perfect and established, and secure. I had these thoughts that my 24 year old self will be fierce, compose, sophisticated, and beautiful down to the T. Alas, that was three years ago. Of course now I cringe when I think about the fact that I considered 24 to be an old age because I’m trapped inside the body of a 27 year old woman who is living an adult life yet far from the fierce, compose, sophisticated, and beautiful down to the T that I thought 24 or 27 will be.

So, how does 27 really feel? Let me break it down to you gently.

It feels like you’re a teenager but better because you don’t get grounded if you come home late. Heck, no one will say a word even if you don’t come home, because what you’re coming home to is an empty apartment. 27 feels like you’re 21 only with more money. There’s also the fact that you’ve figured out how to make $50 last you a week. Most of your savings go to travels or wine and cheese. You know, things that big people do and buy these days. It also feels like 24, but with less drama and more emotional balance. Gone are the days when a broken heart can leave you lying dead on your bathroom floor. Hallelujah, now you don’t have the urge to throw emo shit tantrums and start writing heartache poems in screaming red bold letters.

27 also feels like for once, you’re totally in control, and totally out of control of everything at the same time. It’s all about the decisions you make and the choices you take. It’s your choice to lose yourself over that whole family-size pizza, and your choice to feel miserable the morning after. You know it’s a terrible, terrible idea, and you swear you’re never doing it again, but you know you’re going to repeat the same mistake at one point or another and you’re absolutely fine with that because what the fuck? You’re 27!

27 is the age when you realize that sleep is a luxury. Before, you used to post statuses on facebook about how it’s 3:00am and you’re just coming home with your drunk ass from a wicked-ass party, but now, you’re totally smashing being in bed at 8:30, and you’re not even complaining about it!

One of your biggest investments at this age is books. A trip to the bookstore can mean four novels in one purchase for those early night ins.

27 is also that age when you start realizing that all your friends who are getting married and having babies must be unicorns. I mean, there’s no other explanation about it. Like, seriously, how do they do it? They have got to be from planet lalala or something. It doesn’t help that every other weekend is a wedding or an engagement, or a baby shower. And you are left scratching your head wondering what is an appropriate gift for the occasion.

27 makes you feel old because all of a sudden, you find it inappropriate to listen to Akon or 50 Cent. And you raise an eye brow to anyone of the same age who still listens to Akon and 50 Cent. Yes, 27 can be very judgmental.

27 also makes you feel ridiculous shopping at Forever 21. You don’t want to be caught by anyone you know sneaking in at Forever 21, but you just can’t stop yourself. You have to go and get that lacey dress!

You can also have these emotional outbursts and dwell on your existential crisis one minute, and then find yourself feeling absolutely calm and ready to conquer the world the next. It’s like feeling super old yet feeling extra young. I don’t know about you, but 27 can be really bipolar sometimes. Now, 27 can feel like all of these things, or none of these things. As for me, I feel like 27 is the new 23, and I have another nine months to rock it!

Chapter 27: Why moving on is like going to rehab

Why moving on is like going to rehab

According to that Whitney Houston single, broken hearts go to an empty place. I disagree. I think broken hearts go to Broken Hearts Ville for rehab. Whenever my heart gets broken, I go through intensive counseling. Sometimes on my own, like when Amr left me and I caved in. I didn’t want to talk about it. Not to anyone. Not even to Lucy or Alaa because doing so would mean that my judgment was wrong when I told them that this is really it. But there are times when moving on was a lot easier because I confided with my friends. We would discuss it, and digest it until we reach the root of the problem. What was the cause and effect? They would ask, and they would just listen until I’ve poured my heart and lungs out and address the toxins. After a while, they would evaluate my behavior and then give me a recommendation.

“Jennifer, you’re still distracted, Jennifer you’re still not with us!” And when Lucy and Alaa says that, it means I’m still suffering from the-ex-boyfriend-at-the-time-titis. My friends can easily tell when a certain person can still trigger a certain emotion or behavior, and they would recommend that a different moving-on program be applied.

I would then be subjected to choose from different therapy options. There is the You Know Better Now Therapy which develops cognition. It helps a broken heart recognize and cope with situations in which my broken heart is most likely to relapse. There is the You Have To Talk To Your Dad Therapy, which is designed to support the healing of a broken heart by improving communication with the family. There is Motivational Interviewing too, which is a fancier word for pep talk. And then there are Motivational Incentives Crap, which tells the broken heart that it will find a good one if it stays away from the bad ones.

There is no one size fits all treatment. Different treatments work for different causes of my broken heart. When I was moving on from Nicco, I used the You Know Better Now Therapy. When it was with Karam, I started talking to my dad about it because he used to have an affair too, and as bizarre as it sounds, it actually got us more closer. We could talk openly about it and that was really something. (Dad, I hope you’re not reading this!) With Xavier, I just needed pep talk and accept that he wasn’t a good match for me. Different men, different approaches, but all therapies required two things: committment and time. A broken heart must commit enough time to heal in order to effectively cure the scars. Medical treatment should never include xanax or adderall. It can have caffeine and the occasional meltdowns, but certainly not crystal meth or silver cleaner.

Healing my broken heart would mean I have to subject myself to a detox program too. This is that crucial process where traces of delusion and everything related to x is removed. Ex boyfriend, ex lover, sex! The detox process varies from heart to heart. It involves how long the relationship was, the intensity of that guy, and how dependent I was to that person. According to the Hearts National Library of Being Dumped and Moving On, most withdrawal symptoms can occur within 6 hours after last contact.

Withdrawal symptoms include:

Extreme depression that the only place I want to be in is my bed

Issues with concentration that I called in sick for a few days because the only place I want to be in is my bed

Decreased appetite that I can’t even go to the kitchen because the only place I want to be in is my bed.

Severe fatigue which is bizarre because I didn’t do anything except stay on my bed

Agitation which is why I asked a reliable mate to run over an ex’s foot with a car

Runny nose from too much crying

Inability to sleep from too much thinking

Nausea because what the fuck?

Diarrhea because what the fuck!

Rapid heart rate because it feels like the end of the world.

Troubled breathing because it really feels like the end of the world.

Headaches after reading and re-reading all sms-es with I love yous and whatnot and only seeing lies

Hallucinations that your ex will come knocking on your door professing his love and whatnot

Heart attack!

Once my heart is detoxed from the ex, it will move on to the rehabilitation portion of the recovery process. This is where my broken heart learns and realizes the core reasons behind the end of the relationships. I’d start addressing and recognizing certain issues and effectively move on without the excess baggage or without going back to a downward spiral. This is the part of the program where I would finally stop blaming myself and making excuses for my ex. This is when I could start acknowledging that I’m more than good enough and that I fought a good fight.

At this point my broken heart is able to identify triggers and red flags. It has a reference point for next time it decides to flirt again or go out on a first date with a new guy.

Group therapy is highly suggested during rehab. Girls night outs are the most popular choices. These group sessions allow my healing heart to recover with other hearts who had been in the same situation. It’s just comforting to know that I’m not alone in my struggles.

After my broken heart completed its rehabilitation program, a lifelong recovery follows. Some breakups were easier than others. After Nicco and Xavier, I felt enlightened and light and free after a short while. Other times, it was difficult and took a lot longer.

After I started moving on, I’d join the Sushi Sunday Group, or the Thursday Salseras, or that Friday movie night club. They were always there as my support group. They’re always making sure that I avoid relapse, and that I’m not out of Broken Hearts Ville just looking for another rebound.

I hope I don’t ever have to go back to Broken Hearts Ville again, but I’m happy to start a support group. Maybe I’d call it the FUCK Him Monday Group. (For U Can Kick Him, you silly!)

Prototype 2